3rd Party Jerseys

We get it. You like football, you have your own team, and you want to say here and now that you’re not from this area and you’re reppin some other (insignificant) state. There is no need to wear your jersey to every football event when your team isn’t even playing. (FedEx field is where the Redskins play FYI…not the Nats, not the Capitals). You have 2 options of jerseys/sports paraphernalia on game day: Skins gear, and whoever else is on the field. Don’t go getting creative and start wearing a Ravens jersey just because we’re in the vicinity.

What you really look like.

Maybe people do it for attention, maybe they do it cuz they ignant. No one really knows, they’re just pretty glad they’re not friends with THAT DUDE.

The only thing worse than a third party jersey is a pink one.

~J.

Swim Trunks.

A day at the beach does not merit an excuse to forgo style. People-watching occurs just as much there (if not more) than it does in the city so do not slip. Trunks should be fitted, not baggy and sloppy looking.

Think of what he would do in this situation. He is a man who knows his role. He is not surfing; therefore, you do not see baggy board shorts on him.

Swim attire is not the time to get creative with prints you would never wear in your daily life (i.e. Paisley, Tetris prints, embroidered whales, etc - as pictured below).

In SHORT, respect the environment you're in. Class does not take holidays off.

~J.

Accessories.

Certain accessories should be carefully considered when it comes to making an outstanding first impression: watches, bags, belts and shoes (we’ll touch on more at a later date, including sunglasses and hats). If you’re going to splurge on anything in the outfit, it should be at least those listed. They all speak for you before you ever open your mouth, so make sure they’re making a statement.

Watches
First of all not everyone wears a watch these days. This is likely due to people using their phones as their main source of time. This opens a whole new can of worms. If you are not wearing a watch AND your phone looks like you just snuck it into detention at Bayside to order some pizzas - you are totally hosed. Leave Zack Morris fashion in the 80's where it belongs along with his phone which was the size and color of an Oldsmobile 88 from the late 70's. I digress…

If you do decide to wear a watch, do not mail in your selection - take your time and choose something that says a few things: #1 - I have a job where I do well and do not get paid in packing peanuts and Marlboro coupons and #2 - I am capable of telling time on a watch that is not digital - because when people see me I do not want them to picture Dennis Nedry eating a stick of beef jerky at his computer wearing my watch.

Secondly,

I mean if you want to look like a hippo ate the discount rack at a Walmart and then threw up onto a stick figure…he is your hero. Even his jewelry; while expensive is in poor taste. If you are going to blow $100,000 on a watch, make sure it does not look like I could have fished it out of a box of Fruit Loops or like I burglarized Toucan Sam's apartment.

Take notes.

Bags
Think of a bag as being used for work or an overnight stay. Not to go shopping with your girlfriend, who by the way, is dressed how you SHOULD be dressed. I mean no self respecting woman wants to go anywhere in public with a man who looks like he selected his outfit out of the dirty clothes hamper of a 13 year old girl born in 1976. If you are going to dress like that, please save everyone some trouble and tape a name tag to your chest indicating "man" / "woman" and save us the trouble of betting our friends when you walk by at a bar.

Too much...calm down.

Belts/Shoes
When it comes to belts and shoes, one must compliment the other. If you are wearing a brown belt and black shoes either you got dressed in the dark or you are asking for people to think you are legally blind. Do yourself a favor and match your belt to your shoes. You learned your colors in Kindergarten…act like it (unless you were that asshole kid coloring trees orange and basketballs green in which case you should have been caned as a child). Furthermore, if you are buying your shoes from the military surplus down the street - here is a clue - people know you paid $8 for a pair of leather shoes a sailor wore during the battle of the Marshall Islands. Grow up and go to the mall (no, Fair Oaks does not count).

~J and guest writer http://bringthetruth.wordpress.com/

Shorts.

The name of the game is Class All Day. Not just half a day, not just part of a day, NOthing SHORT but All Day my friends. While this post is addressed to men, ladies don't tune out because behind every asshole is a good woman. So please take what you read and don't be shy to help your man. Somehow and at some point men (and women) decided that comfort trumped class. Before this degradation, the reason a man wore an ascot, a three piece suit, a top hat and braces was because he looked like a manhouse in them. He wore it because he had a pair, and he wore them because he was a gentleman who took charge with charm. Even in all types of weather conditions-if it was hot-linen, if it were cold- trench coat (not the snowman skiing jacket over a suit), if it were rainy- an umbrella and a hat (no hooded jackets). He walked with dignity and respect and was always quick with a smile and a wink for the ladies.

However, now, what rules is not dignity but comfort. He has swapped out respect for CROCS. Traded in class for shorts. I can remember the first time I scowled at someone for wearing CROCS and asked them why the hell they do it-they responded with, "I know I know...” as if already knowing the objective reality of how horrific they look, "but they are soo comfortable, it feels like you have pillows on your feet." I responded with disgust explaining that it might feel comfortable for ME to take a shit right here and now in their presence, but I don't and furthermore I feel like YOU have done the equivalent with your choice of footwear in my presence. Show some respect people.

The man of our day in age has no backbone, no fortitude; instead he bends and breaks at the slightest breeze. If any level of discomfort should affront him, he flees from it frightened, crying out in disgust frantically looking for relief. Everyone knows the natural elements can be harsh and severe at times, especially when seasons change. However, a man should never compromise on truth. For instance, now that it is summer we all are experiencing the high temperatures and blazing sun and once again, we suffer from the unfortunate inability of men being men. We see men prancing around in baggy cargo shorts in public whining about the high temperatures through their wearing of shorts when clearly there is no pool or ocean nearby. It's indecent and most of all not class all day. Even the name “short” has no positive connotations in the English language. Think about it-- “Yea he’s a great guy but he’s short.” , “Oh shucks, I’m one dollar short.”, “Damn it to all hell! My computer just SHORTed out”. Do I really need to continue? I don’t think so. Can a woman really respect a man who walks around in shorts and a t-shirt? The answer is no. No, no, no. Of course we know his response will be, "but its soo hot out and it’s comfortable." For those guys, when they ask where the restroom is you feel like saying, “go around the corner and you will see a door that says "Gentlemen" ignore the sign and go in." If it’s hot outside- thinner pants. Keep your respect. Don’t wear anything SHORT of class all day.

-Your CEO, S.

Gym Etiquette.

I have several issues to address here. First things first, everyone should be going to the gym, so stop announcing it to everyone you meet. “Oh hey, I just got back from the GYM so I can meet you (I’m assuming at Whitlow’s) in a couple of hours.” Was that necessary? Omit the facts, and just go. *Side note: Mike’s Hard Lemonade is NEVER acceptable. Diddy says “if you ordered a drink with a straw in it, you ordered the wrong drink.” I am scared for what he would say/do to you if he saw you in those shorts drinking that nonsense.

Secondly, why are you continuously walking around the gym like you’re doing something but I never see you lift a weight? Take that shit to the track, you’re in the way. If you want to look cute for other dudes curling 5 pound weights in the mirror, do it on your own time. You're only creeping the girls on the elliptical out by staring at them every 30 seconds to make sure they see your biceps. Trust and believe, they are too busy focusing on themselves and that article in US Weekly to notice you.

And lastly, cut off shirts…really? You are not on the Jersey Shore and you are definitely nowhere near this status:

Stop it: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Cut-Off-Friday/166122910110320#!/pages/Cut-Off-Friday/166122910110320?v=info#info_edit_sections

~J.

Phone Holsters.

I do not understand why these were ever necessary in the first place. Skinny jeans for boys just came about so don’t tell me you don’t have room in your pockets. Keep it discrete, make them wait.

It is always the guy who thinks he has multiple opportunities within the company (but does not take any said opportunities because they are “not quite what he is looking for” or the “timing is slightly off”) sportin this look. Two things: if they wanted you, you would be in their group, and you are more than likely not as important as you think you are. Question: why are you walking around the office like you have something to do with NO phone in your holster? Go ahead and finish faxing that report for your boss because he actually has shit to do.

Unless you find yourself having a non-existent meeting at the O.K. Corral with a new client that does not want to do business with you, leave the holsters for Doc Holliday and proceed with your low class ways.

~J

Fragrances.

Fragrance is a pretty good indicator of how a person feels about themselves. It exudes confidence and gives the overall feeling of importance. You should always make it a priority to top-off your look before you leave the house.

Axe does not count as a fragrance. Nor does simply taking a shower. Scented deodorant is for the poor, so educate yourself on the finer things in life. You must know the art of applying the right amount. If you can taste it when you breathe, you’ve applied too much. On the other hand, if you can smell the Tequila binge from last night, you did not use enough. For instance, I should be able to board an elevator in my building without worrying that someone who over applied "Sex Panther" is going to step on and make the entire elevator ride feel like being trapped in a WWI trench filled with mustard gas.

Ones to consider:

Stay away from:

(Dungeons and Dragons…yes that’s real).

Unless of course, you are actually trying to repel the opposite sex – in which case knock yourself out. One of the first things a person notices about someone else is the way that they smell. Even if you cannot see someone, and they walk into a room smelling like a Greek fish monger – believe me, you are going to notice that they decided to “hang out”. So do yourself a favor, do some research and come up with a fragrance that does not smell like you spent all week without a shower playing video games in your mom’s basement and eating corn chips. Times have changed; even cowboys can’t smell like cowboys anymore.

(I am sure he has a great personality – if your nose was gnawed off in an animal attack you might get to find out)






~J and guest writer http://bringthetruth.wordpress.com/